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all cognitive functions

Sharon Dodua Otoo (2016)

i am close to the point of no return

which means that when you leave it:
will hurt a lot. full stop.

as opposed to when you leave i:
may be a little distracted… ellipsis.

logical thought, recent qualitative research and repeated experience shows it would be completely cishet of me to trust you.

you are a man. your kind.

you are a man who could kill me with his bare hands

in the act of making love you could ignore my wish to stop and simultaneously not hear my heart breaking and you could put your hands around my throat and squeeze until your fingers ached and call it kinky.

you are a man.

who can tell me he loves me without caring if i hear or feel it and you will always not phone me back until it is almost too late because you can do that. empathy will never be your strongest asset.

open brackets. (actuallyiamsoterrifiedithinkmyboundingheartmightburstthroughmychestandlandatyourfeet) close brackets.

i rub my sweating hands together for i am a little nervous

but you don’t know-tice ‘cause i am able to hide it behind my funny yet intelligent jokes and seductive body

open brackets. (isitaparticularlybadcaseofjunglefever? question mark. Hashtag! #doblackmeninwhitecountriescatchthattoo? question mark.) close brackets.

you don’t do the between the lines, you didn’t realise how much i meant it – you just lusted after the smell of me. greed is more than a word to you.

you are.

a man – whatever kind – who wants me to quotation marks “trust me baby” quotation marks would have to prove it over days, weeks, months and years over and over again and over days, weeks, months and years over and over again

but, my love,

one word answers are not text messages are not emails are not letters are not loving stories read to me by candlelight as i fall asleep
a wank is not a blow job is not a quickie is not a fuck is not making love is not the first time we hold hands when you look in my eyes and tell me you have a very important question to ask me

you are a

man. your kind. i wish i were you how easy it would be for a part of me to rise hard then flop soft again and all the while i would not have to worry about whether or not one moment of – haaa – irresponsible coming would lead to nine months of responsible planning and a life time of responsibility

you

do not really need to think about contraception

you

do not really need to worry about gender issues, sexism or harassment

you

can wear what you like and say what you like even if it is suggestive even if it is a come-on even if it is a tease you would not deserve it if you were assaulted not even sexually it is never your fault

you are the kind of man who can go through the world with his eyes shut tight and still have people slap him on the back to congratulate him i would love to be you i would love to be like you i would love to try it just once… ellipsis.

but

a woman. my kind. i am.

with the courage to overcome

and the desire to lie by your side

and the patience to feel you grow inside me

to pleasure me with your touch, your kiss, your sex, your intimacy –

and while my trust in you kindles (fledging and frail)

my fear of you dies (one jagged piece at a time)

and i presently am left with

– against my better knowledge and experience and judgment and research and with all cognitive functions screaming against it –

unconditional love

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