It started with a small flutter deep in my chest. It was the tiniest movement; one cell dividing and becoming two. So small, it should not have registered at all. But still, there I sat, in another meeting in front of my screen. Someone going on about something only marginally relevant to my actual work. And I felt it move, divide and grow. I turned off the camera immediately, hoping no-one had seen my surprised expression. At first adrenaline coursed through me. After all I had never felt something like that before. But soon I calmed down again; it did not feel wrong, after all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The dividing cells were a welcome addition to my dreary days; a constant movement inside me while everything around me stayed the same. Energizing me like the beat of my heart. As reassuring as deep breaths. Actually, I soon realized that I was breathing deeper too. The thing inside me craved oxygen, and I felt an immense pleasure in providing for it. I felt like I had become someone capable and prepared to nurture. Sometimes I imagined it must be a maternal feeling – I wouldn\u2019t know, I have never wanted to become a mother. At other times, it felt almost religious; an overwhelming conviction that I was part of something bigger. That I was following a path which would lead me exactly where I needed to be. The surrender was a reward in itself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
After a week or so, I felt a soft tendril borrow into the tissue of my lung. It was probing and tender. The bliss of allowing my body to be shared was indescribable. More followed soon, taking hold of me. A root system spreading from one lung to the other. I cried of joy the day it broke past the boundary of this organ, and into my longing chest-cavity. I felt fulfilled, and did not sign into work. I did not bother with a sick-note or anything else. I knew this part of my life was over, only regretting that I had kept to my routine for this long. All I wanted was to lie on my cold floor and revel in my body\u2019s slow surrender. Cell by cell I became free, and I did not want to miss a single second of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In between these deep meditative states, I was driven to eat and eat and eat. What grew inside me needed nourishment. I ate beans right out of the can. Ordered pizzas with all the toppings. Doused everything in olive oil. Ate spoonfuls of peanut butter. A package of cookies was gone before I even realized it was open. I could almost not contain myself while I waited for the rice to cook. The burning on my tongue when I ate it too early, was a cheap price to pay, for the satisfaction of feeding what I now hosted with so much glee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One morning, when the sun started to move slowly across the floor of my apartment I noticed my vision was changing. Colors I had never seen before danced across my belongings. The plants on my windowsill smelled alluring, drawing me in. I could not stop from digging my fingers into their dirt. The world seemed to slow around me. I could take in so much information.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My heart had been taken over days ago, but now it started beating with a surety, that made all the beats before feel like practice runs for what it could actually accomplice. I was filled with a surge of energy. First, I paced around my small apartment, but soon it had become a jog. My legs were light as air, and when I burst out of my front door, running felt like taking a leisurely stroll.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was not the only one speeding along the street. The runners around me were smiling, as if they, like me, now lived in a perpetual state of joy. I joined them, and as our shoulders rubbed against each other it felt like sparks flew between us. I breathed in deeply as I ran. Oxygen coursed through me, my heart pumping in my ears and every exhale was a release. Condensation and particles whirled around us and made the air sparkle; a gift for the onlookers. I had never been one for much physical contact, but I had to stop myself from holding onto the people running closest to me and never let go. My skin was prickly with the anticipation of dissolving into a mass of bodies. Touching in every possible way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We kept running, and while not everyone we passed joined in, constantly people came out of their homes already at a sprint, the same anticipation and joy radiating from them. At first, we ran on the sidewalks, but as our numbers grew, we took over the streets. Cars stood abandoned as their drivers had followed the same call as me. We ran together and every person joining in felt like a missing piece coming home. We ran until we were surrounded by suburbs. We ran until everything around us was green. We ran until the roads turned into paths and until the paths disappeared and there was nothing but the forest floor beneath our feet. And then we stopped. Not suddenly, but gradually. As I looked around most of my fellow runners were naked. I had discarded my clothing too. It had not been a conscious act. I felt every leaf, stick, grass and sapling my feet touched. A beetle tickled my toes, and I let out a laugh like a wave finally breaking on the shore. I let my hand run along the trunk of a tree and my body sang. I sank down to the ground and buried myself in dirt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As the thing growing inside me finally pierced the border of my skin I shuddered. I felt it reach and reach and reach. I felt it entangle into others who were reaching like me. I let myself dissolve into the connection and become more than I had ever been before.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Soon other groups came running. Everyone who had been gifted with our spores as we left the city, would arrive eventually. They too became part of us, and every reuniting was bliss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Over time the new arrivals became fewer, and in the end, they stopped coming at all. There was no-one left to receive our sparkling gifts, and we sang in glee of being complete at last. Of being everyone. Of being in the dirt. Of communing with the world. Of being in balance at last.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It started with a small flutter deep in my chest. It was the tiniest movement; one cell dividing and becoming two. So small, it should not have registered at all. But still, there I sat, in another meeting in front of my screen. Someone going on about something only marginally relevant to my actual work. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"featured_media":23117,"template":"","categories":[62,10],"class_list":["post-23306","stsp_text","type-stsp_text","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-issue-31","category-prosa"],"yoast_head":"\n