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Eve Richens (2019)

0.    (Family)

two half orphans don’t make a whole and a family situation is a funeral with valleys tied in chevrons and two arrows pointing the same was barking two half arrows leaning forward resentfully. I just know it and I’m embarrassed because I would do it because I’m lonely and it’s not motivated by grief as I understand it to be missing or passionate loss but by loneliness which is weakness or something like weakness and something like weakness is something like family and something like family is something like worms whose bodies rise and fall and bore through the family which is a body that digests worms

and we have outlived one of the monsters from our childhood and are faced with loneliness and loneliness is a family situation.

 

1.

Grief is electric blanket food: A little part of me died or more accurately I’m a little part of him that’s not died yet.

And loneliness in this sense belongs to the mother or I thought, like you said, I would feel it less from the father but I have no comparison except what family was and loneliness which is a place I moved into when I became part of the people who are defined loosely by a lack of a father which is a kind of loneliness and the loneliness becomes a kind of proof of life and the father becomes the loneliness. And it’s not that I’m obsessed with the father but the loneliness which is a kind of obsession and the idea or shape of family which is the shape of family loneliness but materially we used to be four and now we’re three point 1 judging by the water that is gone and the box we have which without looking inside I would estimate to be 10% or less of father.

Hungry at the wake we eat our trained doves trembling fear is a family situation

 

2.

a) I lost a blueberry that rolled into your room and up the ladder and under the pillow. It has a British mouth feel.

b) Still life is not a kind of life, nor a measurement of living, nor a projected aspect of life. It’s an artwork that just happens to end in the word life. Heartbreaking Miriam reading online loneliness is round and soft and lonely. Lonely I dream I am a melon and I’m also me carrying that melon and both of us are terrified we’re going to drop ourselves.

 

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